Beloved,
I am just realizing that my spiritual journey back to myself began many years ago. I was “terrified” of spiders as my older brother used to torture me with them. One Sunday I was at the beach with friends and I was lying down on a blanket with my young toddler so he would take a nap. Suddenly, I saw a spider crawling on his back and I just got up and ran away from him. It was instinctual with no forethought. Of course, my son was startled and ran after me and that made me run even faster. I finally took a breath and realized I had terrorized my own son. How could a mother run away when her son was in danger? I was mortified and ashamed of my action and it caused me to look at my own fears. If my love for my son was not enough to protect him, I needed to do something about FEAR.
We were living in a project (low income housing) and I had no dryer so I had to hang clothes outside. When they froze, I had to bring them back in and hang them in a hallway so they could thaw. Of course, this dampness drew many spiders especially daddy-long-legs which were the scariest to me of all spiders. When I saw one, I would take a deep breath and run for one of my husband’s shoes as I could not bear to use my own shoes because then I would need to wear them. It took two years for me to conquer that fear enough to use my own shoes to kill them. But I DID IT! My love for my son enabled me to have the courage to face my biggest fear. ) Today, as a Reiki Master, I honor all life even spiders)
I then, one at a time, looked at my fears and faced them down but with LOVE. Love for myself as I was not truly free until each and every one was conquered. Right now, I am facing down my fear of putting my face in the water. When I was around 8 or 9 years old, I was at a lake and I decided this was the day that I would reach the raft, I felt like I was strong enough to swim that distance. I did make the raft but every time I would put my hand on the stairs to climb up, some boys would push me away. They thought it was a game. I knew I was drowning as I just got too tired to stay afloat. I passed out and when I came too, I was alone on the raft. I have no idea how I got up on it, I am assuming that the boys realized I was in trouble and got me up there but then were too embarrassed to wait for me to come to.
Of course, I was too scared after that to ever go over my head in water. In fact, I could not float without a noodle, my feet needed to be able to touch ground. I just learned two weeks ago the secret to floating. Imagine all these years and I have not been able to float. A friend who I did not know was a swimming instructor in the past, told me to put my ears in the water. I tried it and my feet came right up. You are never too old to learn.
Ocean State Job Lot had wet suits for $20 and when they offered 25% off for seniors one week, I took a deep breath and bought one. I thought well, I have wasted $15 on other things so I was ready to try. I don’t go in cold water so I also do not have the freedom to go in the lake until August. Maybe this wet suit would solve that concern and fear. I went on line to find more info about them and when I went to try it on, the zipper would not come down. I have no idea why but it was stuck really tight, so I brought it back and got one with a zipper that worked, I tried it before I bought it. Was the Universe trying to tell me to not do this? I did not know but I had to try everything before I gave up. I managed to get it on and off which I felt good about but I still could not muster the courage to go into the lake with it on. That was when I received a booklet in the mail about the YMCA and I decided to give that a try.
I made up my mind that this summer I would swim in my own lake. Watching others swim with so much ease and freedom makes my heart sink. I joined the YMCA where they have two pools, one is a lap people kept at 81 degrees and over my head at one end and another warm pool which is not over my head but kept at 90 degrees. Two weeks ago, I began going to the warm pool to do exercises for arthritis and I just LOVE warm water.
I checked out the opportunities and found that I could take swimming lessons but it would have to be in the lap pool. I had my first lesson with three other people last Tuesday. I had done my research and had goggles and swimming cap and also ear plugs. My goggles were too tight and the cap kept pressing the ear plugs into my ears, very painful. On top of that my body would not stop shaking, I was so cold. I can hold my breath for quite a while as I meditate so I am used to that but he wanted us not to hold our breath but to blow bubbles out of our nose. I could hardly do that for any time at all so I kept breathing the water up my nose. It was not a fun experience, I will tell you that.
But I am stubborn and I try to keep the commitments I make to others and to myself. I was not ready to give up on my dream of swimming in my own lake this summer. I asked if I could wear my wetsuit next week and was told yes. You see, I have wanted to learn to swim for so long so I tried to think of all that would help me achieve that dream. In the meantime, I bought a cap that will fit over my ears so I don’t need ear plugs and I found and bought another pair of goggles which keeps the water out of my eyes. I have been practicing breathing through my nose every time I went to the warm pool for exercise. Either I practice before or after the exercise program. Yesterday, I finally realized that I could open my eyes under water and I felt a rush of freedom. I had been concentrating so much on breathing and I always closed my eyes under water so I never even realized that it would be safe to open my eyes. Talk about baby steps, it takes all these small steps to conquer any fear but most of all it takes commitment to yourself and your dreams.
WHAT FEAR IS STILL KEEPING YOU FROM YOUR FREEDOM?
Do you love yourself as much as this dog loved his family? You are worth it and you are loved.
http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/dog-emerges-tahoe-forest-2-years-reunites-family/
Can you imagine being hugged by this young girl and feeling the love she has for you? Hug yourself and allow yourself to feel the love you have in your heart for the being that is you. You are worthy and you deserve the same love that you give to others.
http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/girl-gives-hugs-suicide-prevention-walks/
You can change your perspective and become who you are really meant to be. If he can, so can YOU. See yourself as this child and know that you are taken care of and nurtured by some unlikely beings that are put on your path just for you to know how much you are loved. Even when they don’t appear exactly as you expected angels to look like.
http://www.goodnewsnetwork.org/ex-con-saves-baby-side-georgia-road-plays-gospel-music-calm/
—
Love and Light
Mary Grace
http://www.IAmMaryGrace.com
http://www.TheWoundedChalice.com
http://www.waleson5.com/marygrace.html