Beloved,
Yesterday, I kept pondering what I would write in my newsletter. I usually do not know ahead of time as I just ask guidance to come through me to allow me to inspire you to love yourself and yet understand this human condition a little more, sometimes with humor. It was a little puzzling to me that I kept asking myself what I would write. Be careful what you ask for, you just might get it.
I woke this morning from a horrific nightmare and although I awoke from the dream, I could not seem to wake up from the feelings that were generated. We all have our fears and they usually stem back to something that happened in childhood. I usually sleep very well and bad dreams are rare but this morning, the feelings are so vivid that it is another opportunity to look at what happened and release those feelings that I no longer need. One gift I received was the awareness of the childhood incident that evidently was embedded in my psyche.
My nightmares are usually about me getting lost and not knowing where to go, feeling trapped in a situation that I cannot remedy. When I was 6 or 7, I went on a trip with my class to Bennefort, Maine to check out a school where we not only got our high school education but also training for the nunnery profession. Ever since I learned about Jesus, I fell in love with Him and wanted nothing more than to be with him for the rest of my life. Of course, at the same time, I had a knowing that my mission was to be a mother and I also wanted that profession. At that early age, I could not figure anything out so I just went with my feelings. I was in the school bus with all the kids and my dad was driving the nuns from my school in a separate car.
On the trip back, several of us children needed to go to the bathroom and as we were in a city, the bus stopped and we needed to cross the busy street to find a restaurant that held a bathroom. Of course, an adult accompanied us children. I was last in the line waiting for an open stall (are there not always lines of females in the bathroom?) When I came out, there was nobody I knew there. I rushed outside and still there was no one waiting for me. I panicked, of course, and walked around in a circle trying to tell myself that someone would come for me. I was absolutely terrified even though there were many people on the sidewalk but I did NOT know any of them. My mother had always told me that if I got lost, to just STAY right where I was and they would find me. I knew the bus had been across the street so maybe I should go there but then with my mom’s warning in my head, I stayed right where I was left, in front of the restaurant.
Because I was with the children, my father was unaware that I was not on the bus and with all the other children; no one noticed I was not there. Eventually, they discovered it and my dad and the nuns in the car started to look for me. They kept going back to where the bus was and with the traffic never saw me on the opposite side of the street. It took 1-2 hours for them to finally notice me. Do you know how long that is to a child who feels abandoned and terrified?
When they finally found me, I got a severe scolding from my dad; he blamed me for not staying where the bus had been parked. Of course, now, as an adult, I understand it was his fear speaking but at the moment I felt abandoned again by my dad. He never even hugged me or said he was happy he found me.
So…most of my nightmares are about being lost and not knowing the right path to freedom. Last night I again dreamed of not being able to find my way and although I went through many scenarios in the dream which made me physically sweat as I tried to plow my way through a field of tough grass almost shoulder level. Again, I needed to go to the bathroom so I went into a stall and a young boy kept crying to his mom about a “kaun” that he had left in the stall I was in. I suddenly realized he was talking about a “Leprechaun” since I saw the stuffed puppet hanging on a hook. I rushed out to give it to him but could not find him. I kept looking then realized that I had left my shoes and pocket book back in the stall so I started to try to return to the bathroom but I could not find it. Again, in my dreams, I am late for something I was supposed to do. Last night, I had only been outside on a work break for work, so I was way overdue to be back at work and I know my supervisor (male) was furious that I was not there. Why do dreams always seem so real when we are in them? Is it another reality?
One of the fears that I am releasing is the panic when I am not on time for some occasion. In real life, I am usually early so as not to be late. I received an awareness of why I always do that by having this nightmare. Now I can face this facet that was created as a young child and I can now comfort my small inner child in her panic and fear. I not only woke up from my nightmare but I have a new awakening of one of my greatest fears. You are never too old to find out something new about yourself.
What are your nightmares about? My husband used to say I could pass up everything but a bathroom. Perhaps I was trying to prove to my little girl that she was safe because I was protecting her?
http://spiritlibrary.com/videos/jim-self/questions-for-jim-everyone-is-feeling-the-changes-waking-up
This message has deeper meaning for me now, after that dream. Perhaps it will help you find peace and grace.
Look outside to see this marvelous phenomenon. It is worth waking up a little earlier to get to see this.
This made me laugh. Even as I could not understand each word said, the laughing and joy is contagious.
Were you alive when Betty White was born? Is there anyone who does not know who Betty White is? She is quite an icon and I hope to be like her when I get to her age. She IS ageless.
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Love and Light
Mary Grace
http://www.IAmMaryGrace.com
http://www.TheWoundedChalice.com