It feels like a long time since I have been able to talk with you .
I am able to be out of my sling more and more so I am able
to type better and much easier. The occupational therapist,
Betty, who comes to my home has been fantastic. I still won’t
be able to drive for at least another two weeks. Another
XRay is needed to make sure it is healing right. Hopefully
I will be given the go ahead to drive.
This fractured shoulder episode has given me many opportunities
to face the demons(fears) that I had been able to bury. I am
cussedly independent and it takes all my courage to ask for
help.
I live alone so on a daily, hourly and sometimes minute by minute
basis, something else showed up that I cannot do. Yet so many things
need doing just to exist. For instance, I could not take a shower without
a hand held shower and also a bench in my tub for security. I could not
and would not agree to a sponge bath. I washed myself the best I could.
Oh the sorrows of being so modest and also so independent. What a
learning curve.
One of my sons tried to get me a hand held shower but in Walmart, they
were not with the shower things so he could not find one. Finally, my other
son found one in Home depot and he installed it for me. The Wales Senior
Center has benches that people can borrow and it was suggested I get
a tranfer bench which the director graciously brought to me only to discover
the back and the side were on the wrong side of the shower so it was not
usable for me.
The next day, she was going to bring me another regular bench and the shed
where these things are stored was frozen shut. The following day she brought
me one that would fit. Finally I had all in place and I was so looking forward to
the next day when my home health aide was to come.
A snow storm came up and she was unable to make it. This was on a
Thursday and she would not be back until Monday. Notice all the
stumbling blocks that were put in place to give me the opportunity
to practice PATIENCE and release all the things I thought I had to have.
By the time all was in place, it was three and a half weeks before
I was able to get a shower. It had been two weeks before I was
able to get my hair washed and that was sooner because it could
be done in the sink. I could not get my body into the sink for
a bath. :>)
I live in a very small town and on a private street. Because it is
a private street, my mail cannot be delivered and I have a Post
Office box which I cannot access without mobility.
Getting groceries was quite difficult as there are no delivery
services. Thank God for my family and friends and also
more opportunities to face my dreaded fear of asking for help.
I was even snowed in one Sunday as both my doors were blocked
with snow and would not open. I put in two frantic calls to the
young men who shovel and plow. There was no place I could
go as I was home bound but just the fact that I could not get
out really accentuated that fact. Boy, did I feel isolated, abandoned,
and so all alone.
I have had many blessings in this seemingly disaster. I discovered that
my fear of asking goes way back to childhood and the fear of
rejection. Although I am OK if someone cannot do what I ask,
the mere fact of asking is opening myself to rejection. I now realize
that if someone raised their voices or hollers, my instant reaction
is to run and hide. I do not stand my ground and argue, I simply
cannot…at least I couldn’t . I can stand up to anyone like a business
or someone who is not close to me. But friends and family can
reduce me to a quivering pile of tears.
I am now able to see at a much deeper level just how terrified
I am of maybe being rejected, at least my perception of being
rejected.
What a gift that is. I have always seen the glass as half full and
now am being given the chance to realize that I can survive with
a glass that is half empty. It is all in the perception. Until we face
our demons, they control us. I am so grateful that I was forced to
face up to my fears, see them and transmute them.
Here are some predictions for 2010 that I can embrace.
http://www.youtube.com/watch? v=Q3zJm98UXzQ
Love and Light
Mary Grace
http://www.TheWoundedChalice.com
http://www.TheWoundedChalice.com
[email protected]
3 Brows Beach Dr
PO Box 403
Wales, MA 01081, USA